Sunday, 25 June 2017

Strawberry Fields Way Over Yonder

Hi, this is a long post, mainly full of words as purring to many songs up here doesn't work so well.
Firstly a big thank you to everyone, all of you who wrote such lovely messages and comments when I revealed my new diagnosis. THANK YOU!!!
Yes, it is a shameful diagnosis, but it explains why, when people are in front of me talking, I try to lip read. I can't say I'm proficient at it yet, but it has helped me for years to try to make sure what people are saying to me is what I am hearing. I think I've done this since I was a wee girl. Now I know why if people are talking behind my back, or to where I can't see their mouths, I can often hear bad
comments and always wondered why. Why nice to my face yet bad comments as I pass or by text (yes I even mistrust texts and that's my favourite communication). Every since Joyce (which is documented as real, btw) my suspicion and I arrive home, my suspicion became even....louder?  I won't lie to my friends, I'm still confused, embarressed, ashamed, and thankfully only people who I can tell are altruistic help me. I'm hiding from Facebook family for the moment simply because I couldn't bear to have myself think something bad has been said , by me or others, that may be seen as offensive, unless I begin to discuss One Direction!!
I kept saying to myself before the ambulance came to admit me, that I was going to somewhere where I would somehow fit in, or at least be left alone. It wasn't to be but there's a line in the song " human kindness is all around me and I think it's gonna rain today". Sure enough the human kindness came from the nurses, the rain in the song is meant to be negative and it was a negative armospgere in  there, so solid us suits me fine in untrustworthy environments. But one night it poured down and I 
couldn't tell feel a drop. The sings of glory that implore me, that's church where I should be. 

I hope.

That brings me to the hospital, it was ok but I'd already made up my mind to make to friends there. Why should I, they were ill , I was/am ill, I really wanted to be alone except fo some of the wonderful nurses, who, I've no idea how some put up with me. Some didn't. But that's ok, because (is it a PPD thing?) if someone doesn't like me I hate them x1million..
I'm hoping to learn about Paranoia. Have I had all or most or my life? Maybe that that would explain 
my deep mistrust of people, which I can usually decide within 5seconds of meeting someone. 

It's a fault of mine, I know.

I guess it Joyce taught me anything, it's to be careful who to trust. And if you don't trust, hate. But I 
want to stop the hate. 
But I've been trying to change, despite the doctors surguys bug fuck ups with my meds leading to 
lithium toxicity.  Apparently the psychs will decide quick what I need in replacement, do you, reader,
 every feel like you're only existing because they make you take these? Do you, reader and dispenser of pills to the mentally ill see how tedious and sometimes un effective they can be due to the many combininations and tailoring needed that can also take time?
There's a song I listened to constantly, and since prissy Yoko has taken the whole damn discography off YouTube, here's an OK version .

I know this is open to interpretation and for me the whole song I understand. I'm not subscribing to the whole tree being high or low meaning genius/insanity. Me, it's IM either too high or too low. But that I don't care. And tuning in doesn't not mean by radio! It's what the nurses did with me, tuned into me, and saw what was wrong. I could swear blind this or that lady said this horrid remark about me but they are trained to know when someone really hears what's not there. And my friends, here and online, you usually K KW when something is up even when I don't. THATS Tuning in. it takes an empathetic person to have this gift.

But I'm going to put up a few vids here of songs about not just me always, but how I see things, how others are, and songs that just saw me through the week. Not all bad at all! Just honest or pure fun.

But  I come back to a block on fire, and what a tragedy.
I have to put this up, it kind of explains society today in places in London and all over.

Hope Street.
There's a young boy in the queue 
There's not much else here for him to do
He's had a drink he's had a few 
Down the pub on Hope Street.

Dear old lady you're looking thin
Got a shopping bag with your life in
Your old mans going through the bins
And so it goes on Hope Street.

There's a fight right down the street
The betting shop has got him beat
Blew his money for the week 
On a horse named Hope Street.

Everyday I look at you,
Dressed up in your ties of blue
Saying there's not much you can do
To help the kids of Hope Street

They don't even seem to care
That it was you that put them there
You seem to think they like it there
Hanging out it Hope Street

Rain on me come pouring down
Clean the dirt off this old town
Tell the sun to come around
Show his face on Hope Street.

For those of us suicidal, wanting to give up
(Read up on the story of this special song)

Don't give in - swim.

The defiant explicit dong for me.
It goes from sad to spiteful to repentant to explicit, to defiant.

You are the good things. And your ship is coming in.

The Beauty Of Speed
We climbed through the canopy only to find a crack in the gauge . The last thin, the look I gave. And then we stumbled out of control.
I tried to strike a deal with the universe, me and my deals with the universe...
Smacked upside the head with the harsh of daylight.
So simple last evening - the beauty of speed.
Afraid we've been changing in a way I wasn't loving.
Feel the colours changing the beauty of speed.
I'm coming back for more,out of a black and white world.
The beauty of speed.
Your last barrier.

For my sister, we will be in contact soon I miss you loads
Please be ok.

A song for my grandad and I. We listened to this on repeat!
Love Aussies!!!!

Father I killed my monkey
I let it out to taste the sweet of Spring
Wonder if I will wonder out
Test my tether to soo if I'm still free from you.

Lately I'm into circuitry
What it means to be made of you but not enough for you
And I wonder if you could bilocate
Is that what I taste, your supernova juice
You know it's true, I'm part of you

Steady as it comes right down to you
I've seen it all
So maybe we're a bliss of another kind
So maybe you're a four horse engine with a power drive
Take it with your terracide
We're a bliss if another kind.

How I am sometimes, I sabotage myself.

I Use The Bird.


I was not in a padded cell!

I now intend to hope against hope.

We do.... All of us. I did in hospital. A bitter pill to swallow but , in general, we all need to learn.
What we need to learn is different for each individual. 
This version is the album version so better lyrics.

I watched The First Wives Club.
At first it's all about our friends getting together and deciding to get revenge against the their men who have done them all wrong. In fact, most of this comedy is about this and their very good antics.
But what I love, is by the end they use the revenge for good, instead. They remember their old friend who committed suicide and set up a cause to help women in need.
Great way to end the movie, have them sing a fab song where they are finally feeling good about the good they have created out of sadness and anger.
I love everyone whose kind words have floored me, in a good way.
You are the ones wonderful, I'm just trying to get by and be one of you or all different parts of each of you.
Don't forget you're shining stars and I see each one of you.

And to mum, thanks for taking my shit and loving me more each day, you are the brightest star of them all.
Love Lizzie xxx

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