Monday, 10 April 2017

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again!

Hi friends!
I've noticed for months that I've been enchained. I've been ugly, spiteful and amazingly hateful.
I've chained. And honestly. I knew all of it.
It was my birthday and friends everywhere dear to me sent me birthday wishes, and people I know, family and friends gave me presents, all unexpected. Some I wasn't sure I deserved. But something
happened in our celebration. I felt loved and love. I had thought I was a lost cause, self pity isn't good
on me. But the thing is is felt, almost seen Jesus there with us.yes it sounds funny, but I did, I felt more loved by Him letting me aware of his presence. 
So I'm letting go. I've got something to write below that describes it, I'm also doing a 2 part maybe 3 part(!) of this post so you can read and hear my story. Maybe it will somehow explain who I am and why. It's no pity party, I'm blessed to have Him explain to me that the shackles are not on me in real life anymore. He took them off. 
I'm happy. I'm not a number, I'm not perfect, but I'm loved. Here we go:

You and me, we're cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
Because you and me: competitive to the bone

Such a tragedy to trample on each other
With hoe much we've endured
With the state the land is in
You and me feel joined by only gender
We are not all for one and one for all

We fight to please thr brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To let beg the club of boys to let us in

You and me estranged from the mother
You and me have felt impotent in our skin
You and me have taken it out on each other
You and me: disloyal to the feminine

Such a pity to disavow each other
With how far we've come
With how strong we've been
You and me are on this pendulum together
You are me are scarcely still fuelling

We may not have priorities same
We may not even like each other
We may not be hugely anti-men
But such a cost to dishonour our sister.....

Ok, so I'll start near the beginning. I'm around 6 and my mother had bought me a new dress. I think by this time I was seeing and hearing things. I go to the mirror in the living room but I'm too short to look at myself in the dress. So I stand on my mums chair and I'm looking actually thinking I'm pretty. My grandmother comes in and pinches my hip, she says "to look pretty you have to lose all that weight I'm grabbing". It crushed me, I stopped seeing myself as the pretty girl I was. I was devastated. It made me look in the mirror and see ugliness. And I have ever since.
Voices dictated that I am what she meant. And sometimes I would look into little mirrors and my face was distorted. 
The song below reminds me of it, and the last bit reminds me of when I was an adult.

All my life I knew The Lords Prayer. But by 18 I felt He had left me. I had a boyfriend who would give me any drug and acid always made me see, hear things even more potent. These were the days raves were e erywhere. And everyone were drinking and taking drugs. My boyfriend always commented how Ecstacy would make both perts tangs and Catholics best friends....if only for the night. I guess I took comfort in this crappy scenes than God . It was like He disappeared. Little did I know He kept me safe though this.
So in the end, even though I knew God existed, I saw bombs go off, riots, dead people. It made me think why would such a God allow this, what was His reason? So the song below is not meant to hurt anyone, it just describes how I felt. Of course, I was way off track But that's how I felt.

Second post to continue!

For my sister and those who want to know how musicals touch me 

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