Wednesday, 19 October 2016

The Dulling (Suspended In Gaffa)

The Dulling. 
For  a long time now I haven't blogged. At first I was sure it was because of the excitement of the plans to better myself. But quickly, and I hate to be honest about this as I felt I had turned a corner, my happy mediums have even gone. I'm lucky if I can laugh once a day, and if I do, it's because my mum has told me she loves me ( and I say it back with as much love, as I think she is making a point of saying this every single day to make me feel better, but more than that, to help me mentally, though she would never say that to my face), other times it's when Cassandra and I are chatting away,  making plans that I pray come true. Or maybe it's a post or a meme on Facebook that brings a smile to me by loving friends. 
Today I went for another tooth extraction. Painful now, for sure! And I can't speak properly as my tongue is still numb, so excuse me if I don't answer a call today. My friend Pauline came to support me, it was lovely though I was not aware of the extent of her fear of dentists and I feel sad I put her 
through it having to wait in the waiting room. 

But I'm even not texting anymore, I haven't emailed in ages and lost the email address of the lovely lady for Essex Knitters and I need to mention something to her. 
I'm getting spammed to heck I'm sure from a spiteful lady. Last week or the week before I started getting the worst anxiety attacks of my life, hands, arms, head, mouth and tongue all tingly and my heart sometimes still feels like I need to be rushed to hospital. 
But like I said the worst bit is the dullness of my good positive emotions. I feel I would like to come off my meds and see if that makes me better, because if I'm not staying awake until 8am I'm asleep more than awake every day. Sometimes I've slept over 24 hours. I seem to need to sleep all the time or at least every 3 hours and sometimes I'm taking all my nights pills by 7.30pm. 
This video, the lyrics, remind me of the kind of purgatory I feel stuck in:

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I really do think "it" has gone wrong yet again. This black cloud, all surrounding me and stopping me from doing anything. I can't cook, find that I need motivation which I have little of, to the point I will sleep through dinner time then take my pills and miss meals.
Even texting isn't interesting me anymore. I see no point in texting friends as I can't open up to them personally about what I now feel is a weakness in me. So, if I'm not posting here for a while, you could (if it's decent) comment here or inbox me on FB page. Here's another song that I "feel"

But if there's anything positive it's this song that keeps me going each day so far:

God bless, all. Love Lizzie xxx

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