Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Perfect fireworks

We are! Maybe sometimes we don't see it, and when those times occur we feel worthless, maybe store up pills or cut, whatever we do, life is hard at times but can be beautiful, too. We need to find in ourselves (a lot of times with the help of professionals and p/close friends who, when we are not
closed down, can help us tremendously.
Yesterday, I was discharged from the HTT and handed back to the care of my care coordinator or cpn 
as I refer to her. It was a great meeting. The man that came with Jackie, I have no recollection of but I 
had met him before, I don't know where, but it's safe to say I wasn't in my right mind then. 
They said to see me from where I was before my od to where I am now "is brilliant"!!! I felt great
hearing that, and bows the time to fully acknowledge the help of the HTT. They would come out daily for what seemed a long time, the first few meetings I don't remember. Or not very well, then a psychiatrist came and gave me a choice on what two meds I could take instead of Olanzapine and Trazadone . I chose Duloxotine and Quetiapine, not that I really knew what it all meant, but they have helped greatly. The whole team did. I feel ready for what's ahead, I'll be seeing a GP soon to get a gym pass, and I will be looking to join groups, hopefully the WI next month! Yes! Laugh all you want about these things but I need and want them, 
I believe this is the first time in years where thoughts of suicide hasn't popped into my head, no longer am I having days or weeks or months of it, not even a split second, bar the thought sof how I no longer want to commit suicide. 
You can feel this way too, I'm not bouncing with happiness or down as low as you can go anymore. I see a future, I don't know what it holds, but at least I know the choice to live is better and so can you
if you don't feel it now. Are you under the care of the mental health system? Have you thought of being referred? Maybe it's time you do, because miracles do happen. You may think it's a miracle but

for me it was God, the HTT, my CPN for realising I needed big help yet knowing The Lakes wouldn't have be conducive, the meds, my friends. 
Now the gym and meeting people will be another start to the new me I was always meant to be. I add a few songs, some have simple lyrics but the messages are clear, we can let our colours burts and we are not less than perfect. The other song, is not about burning down houses or any relationship, other than the relationship I had with myself, and getting rid of it, burning it down.

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Your first warden

Saturday was great, I saw two Home Treatment Team people who are just wonderful. They listened as usual but we had such a good chat that we laughed a lot and they made me feel more positive than ever. You see on Monday, the HTT hand me back to my CPN, as they say I'm doing so well.
Obviously I knew having daily then almost daily meetings with the team would come to an end, and it's quite right it happens. I'm not suicidal anymore, I'm happy and those precious meetings with HTT have helped me so much. 
i can only compare what I was going through those months before my od and home treatment as to what goes on in the video below. I hasten to add it's the past, and the one phrase "this is my dream" is important. The word dream. 

Like I said, my dream. Because although I know it was reality, my isolating life lead to it, and I know since I've talked things through and the new meds, Duloxetine and Quetiapine there has been harmony.
I also put this down to Cassandra and I finding each other, we chatted today and it felt just wonderful, she's not going through a good time right now, but can still laugh. Just how I want to be, when the chips are down, carry on carrying on.

I see us as not only being great friends but we can rely on each other unlike other people, a strong bond with our experiences in isolating ourselves, our dreams to meet each other and remain besties for life.
I add this song for Cassandra when she is feeling low. As we both have our faith and I do believe in guardian angels , so the other song is for the both of us, too.

That song means a lot to me.

While I'm typing I might as well advertise my new Facebook page,  It's the only page approved by Joyce. 
Remember, she has no social media account and will create one when she feels ready.
Anyone claiming to be Joyce on Twitter of Facebook or Google are deceiving people for their own gain. Feel free to join if you agree that she is innocent, and please remember, no other site, profile or group is wanted by Joyce McKinney apart from this one. Hope you join ! 

Hope you all have a lovely day, I'll post again tomorrow to let you know how it goes with being discharged fro HTT and meeting my CPN again.
Love to you all, 
Lizzie xxx

Tuesday, 12 July 2016


The HTT said yesterday they are on their way to discharging me, which means I must be making great progress, I put this progress down to every member of the team who have been so supportive even when at first I was a bit afraid of them, not that they have not been kind, I've never met nice r mental health professionals, they listened, gave me ideas and space to even think of the future.
I've been thinking a lot about that andirons realise the pen really is in my hand for the future. I'm waiting on the Leisure Centre to contact me as with the teams suggestions, one was joining the gym to help. I'm under no illusions it will be so hard with the weight I am, the lack of local exercise and my back pain. But I want to do this. A friend said today she would come with me for the first few times and that's so kind. I've ordered kit online as I wouldn't want to exercise in my jeans!!
I'm thinking about a course or two, maybe even three but can't seem to find the Braintree college website. The last time I went many many years ago I spent one night listening to 17 year old who'd
failed their GCSE's but thought too highly of themselves. They decided we'd do Shakespeare and that
was enough for me to bolt. So I AINT (meant that) going for English. I AINT!! LOL!
If anyone knows of any courses such as cookery or sign language in Braintree please get in touch.
I've found a happy medium between feeling too happy (for a lot of people "too happy" has God connotations) and too low. Like Billy Joel says "I don't know how long this feeling will last" but once all I've ordered has arrived I will be back out, in a better place and smiling as I'm doing in my flat.
I know the HTT have read my blog sometimes, so I hope you get to read this and see my happiness is genuine because of you and the doctor. I'm already being a better person, I'm still in contact with Cassandra who is as sweet as ever. My other sweet friend, Charlotte, must be in a bad place so I'm afraid I won't be seeing her anytime soon. Mum says  she can see a great difference in me, I smile, I say I love you, I'm thinking of the rain that I will feel first hand soon, and I'll be glad to be in it.
I'm going to live purposefully, try hard not to give up when someone is bad towards me, and live. Soon enough the song Wild Child will be up at long last.

I hope my friends read this and see the change in me, same goes for anyone (I still consider anyone to
be a friend) will see a good change where there is hope, and anyone else who stays in all the time might venture out even if it's for 5 mins and feel nature. We can do this, you and I, get better and better each day with the help from mental health teams and a psychiatrist who cares and the meds that are right for us. Personally I find the Duloxetine or the Quetiapine leave me with a bad taste in my mouth similar to beer. But I'll take that any day over how I've felt for months.
Don't quit, anyone, everyone, we are the strongest of them all because we've been through it, or are still there but life should be great for all of us. We don't deserve that any less than anyone who seems to have it all.
Feel the rain on your skin and be thankful for it.
Love and hugs to anyone reading, Lizzie xxxx

Friday, 8 July 2016

Ain't nobody got time for that!

I've been seeing the Home Treatment Team for a while now, and apart from one day when I was angry at the world, it's been very good.
Today, the two lovely people that came offered listening ears and great advice. I have to go slow with baby steps. I had all intentions of meeting up with friends for the Music in The Park on Sautrday, but I think just coffee for a hour every now and then will do for now. As the love,h lady said, if something was to go wrong at this stage I'd feel defeated and might take a step backwards.
My 2 new medications. Today will be the 3 red night, and double the dosage. So hopefully better sleep and more of a clearer mind soon. I can only write here or in text because the mistakes are usually automatically corrected. 

Life's been hard recently, I've felt pressured by someone who's now using a fake "celeb" Twitter 
account and hoodwinking many people. This "celeb" also happens to be a friend of mine, as they say in America, down on their luck and unable to deal with much with something horrible going on in her life currently. I feel so sorry for her, as she, according to my friends is being used (as they say I was) by an opportunist. As much as I hate people who sell stories, I dislike people who take advantage of people. I don't go bragging to everyone who my friend is, what she says, or even her views on this person. This lady, and she is a lady, deserves nothing but the best and not duplicity.
 I'm well aware that things done online can be traced, so I look forward to the fact I have had noting to do with a fake Twitter account set up by someone else without my knowledge or consent being exposed, but I have no Time in dealing with people like that. 


You've been acting awful tough lately

Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately

But inside you're just a little baby, 

It's okay to say you've got a weak spot

You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated than loved, loved, loved

For what you're not
You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable

You are not a robot
You're lovable, so lovable

But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted

But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins

Never committing to anything

You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, ring
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing
I've been thinking, no longer will I think I (for now) can't but that:

I'm taking the "'t"  out of things, they've been my "clouds" 

Although I will always love the rain!!!
I leave you with this: 
If someone is poisonous in your life, or makes you that I'll that you vomit several times a day, or if you need words of inspiration..... This woman says it all:

Love To

Sunday, 3 July 2016

Slowly learning that life is ok

The Home Treatment Team (HTT from The Lakes MHU) have been visiting me everyday. It's been good so far, being able to talk out my feelings etc, and they want to implement things that will help me. The main thing is that they are going to contact my GP so that I could get on the project to get a free gym membership for me. I had to say I couldn't cope with any of this Biggest Loser stuff lol, I think I know my limitations but being in the gym going through what those contestants go though would be enough to kill me! They were quick to say it would be nothing like that and everything would be tailored to what I can do, then improve as I go along. 
I've wanted to go to the gym after I made two friends who go there. I've never felt the impetus to before, and I still believe I will look out of place as the token fatty surrounded by slim people. Now I'm hoping once I've done it for a while a buff man might notice me lol. 
They are also going to speak to my CPN about what else can help, but said this is something we all have to work together on, so I can't allow myself to back out on everything. If people are willing to help I must take it, must as in I want to.
This week w lovely lady sent me some beautiful wool she makes and I'll be adding a link to her Facebook Page soon. Then today, a most wonderful lady came with a trolley full of yarns and my heart was full of such love. How kind people are, you know i never realised exactly how kind people can be until very recently. I've always felt somewhat unworthy of anyone's time, anyone's love, anyone's friendship. And I'm now waiting for a book to arrive about confidence then I shall be out more often. mainly, Cassandra has been helping me out with this, her own techniques could sound like nothing to anyone who doesn't understand agoraphobia. But to me, they are vital! She's such a love for life despite recent events and some that are ongoing. She read my letter today, and what she said about it made me so happy! She says I'm intelligent! So this song I dedicate to her and our 

And this song is how I'm feeling now, I'm looking at the big sky again!!

You know, one day I will be free of this, the burdens, the troubled girl, the fears and my depression, it all has to go at some point so I can live!!
I think we can do what we can do but with different circumstances. My mood changes all the time but if I can change my mood, or medication, maybe , just maybe I can change my circumstances.
Now it's time for me to read Battlefield Of The Mind! 
I hope today that whoever is reading is happy, or that circumstances will change for the better for you, too.
I'm sending you cyber hugs!!!
Love, Lizzie xxxx


Friday, 1 July 2016

My Victory

My blind cat

My beautiful mum!

Me wearing my Breakfast Club hoodie lol

Do it! Live and don't let die!!!

As most people know, I overdosed and ended up in hospital the other day. I was a mess but signed to discharge form so I could leave. I felt a fraud being there,no know I'd spent 24 hours unconscious and and all, but I wanted to be home. They were going to call the crisis team for me so I left very early. However my cpn, who is back working, visited me a few times even at home,and not the HTY (Home Treatment Team) are going to see me every day for a while. I hope the ones who come are not bitches,nasninasked for no men to come.
So yes, shock for my Mum, who wanted me to talk to The Crisis Team but I'm sick of them.
I'm going to try to make it on my own soon.

We've got to learn to smile likewise mean it, as anyone who knows me knows I love getting a smile as it can make someone's day. Life is too short, as I just found out. The hospital is not a place where nurses smile,Mand they came you feel like a bit of a robot. Like my mother says once your in the hospital door you leave your dignity outside. It's true. And for mow, though this can change by the hour, I really wish to live. It's a blessing yo get old. Some people don't reach it.
So listen to this song nd see what I mean,

This song is just too beautiful

Looking at how times change

Tuentrouble we all used to get up to,Mand emotions
 felt. I add this with love;