Sunday, 1 May 2016

Monsters and Angels

I love this painting, there are various references to it, even some taking the mick.
I took to it after listening to the song I will put below. The group did such a great moving interpretation of it, and also of how I've sometimes felt about my life:
"I'm nobody's wife, I'm nobody's baby, I like it that way, but then again....maybe"

I'm not morose today, I've listened to all types of songs from my playlist, and this song I listened to, as I stared at the painting. 
I would love a poster of this!! 

I saw a psychiatrist this week who is a bit concerned I may have damaged my liver more.
He thinks, because I was honest with him and told him how the Temazapam does not put me to sleep anymore and that I've been doubling doses at night from a stash I have from a time ages ago when I stored them. My thoughts at first were, well, suicide, I think anyone who cuts or has cut in the recent past like I have, usually keeps spares "just in case" of "emergencies". That was my thinking, then I realised I'd stored too many pills, but my Temazapam I was taking still isn't doing its jobs so past few 
weeks I've gone from stockpiling to taking up to 5 10mg a night. Yes it's a lot but I really am not 

sleeping, unless I take huge amounts. Obviously I didn't tell the psychiatrist exactly how many I take or that I still have some (should all be gone in 2days anyway) but he's making me have a full blood 
count as well as the lithium blood test I asked for, I'm sure I need more of them and I'm not stupid with them, though. I'm lucky to know my vomiting is due to reflux and not lithium.

But, see, the song, talks about good and evil in us all.
God himself knows I try to be good, but the bad in me makes leads me to be reckless to myself, and no doubt why I'm alone today. No one would put up with my mood swings! 
I'm not one for banging doors or plates etc, but I swing from high to deep as James would say. I've come a very long way though, although I'll never have a full head of hair again, it doesn't look harsh 

anymore. I look after my mum more, and I try to look after myself though sometimes I can't manage more than one meal a day. I take my insulin twice a day, and I'm thinking of going the the Halstead Fete tomorrow (if there even is one?!) and might broadcast the park to anyone who watches on my 
Facebook profile, as I didn't manage it out last week, and need to. 
Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things soon.

Btw I'm not condoning taking more meds than you should, I'm just being honest at how silly I've been and may have hurt my liver but that's silly old me, but honest.

Here's the song that I guess could describe us all really.
Lizzie xxx


  1. Lizzie, just be careful of all the meds and be completely honest with your doctors at all times. (And I do love the music you post)

  2. Love the honesty you post here. It helps to just let it all out. And you have a reason for being that you now care for your mother. Please keep her in mind when you're extremely low. :)

  3. Is this the name of the painting? I like it also. It's....intriguing.