I'm still going out next week, like I said on my Facebook part about this blog.
Tomorrow I will be attending church for what seems like a year, the minister there certainly needs deeper understanding about mental illness, as I was shunned by him once he found out I was going through a psychotic episode, and others were "let into" the secret about me. But I will only attend whe he is not preaching, as I really don't need anymore aggro from him and his hissy views.
But for me, I need more deeper understanding by getting out and about again and engaging in chat from people in town. It's been lonely being lost, and as I've realised, spending time on this iPad ( not computer!) I've found less deeper understanding than ever. My own understanding. I mean, yes, I can Wiki anything, but what does it tell me how human nature is and how friendly people can be to me if I don't go out myself to see? How I miss human contact. Texting is great but not as great as seeing and returning a smile, or getting a hug from a friend who really loves you?
I'm pushing past all the barriers of my own creation to get out there and try to find this fun and love I've missed. And although I'm afraid of it, I know if I continue to stay I it's no good for anyone.
Being indoors 24/7 does not bring happiness or even the safety I thought it would provide. It gives you too mush time to overthink and become more unwell.
I could post a thousand songs on what all this does, but I've added the Kate Bush one, as when I'm out, it's less time online and more time to try to feel as normal as I can be.
It's about time I try.
I have a med review this week, my cpn is unable to come buy my friend is going to come with me and giv input. Personally I believe the lack of any antidepressants are to blame for me being lower, and maybe my lithium needs adjusting as my mood swings can be uncontrollable.
I'd like to think happy thoughts again, and I will. Just some med tweaking needed I hope. I'm also (if I remember) going to ask for no sexual abuse therapy that's due, well, overdue. I need to feel better and try to not bring up the past in detail to anyone. I need to feel better and I don't think that's the way to go about it, anymore.
So enjoy the song,
All my love to you, Lizzie xxx