Saturday, 23 April 2016

Deeper Understanding

I'm still going out next week, like I said on my Facebook part about this blog.
Tomorrow I will be attending church for what seems like a year, the minister there certainly needs deeper understanding about mental illness, as I was shunned by him once he found out I was going through a psychotic episode, and others were "let into" the secret about me. But I will only attend whe he is not preaching, as I really don't need anymore aggro from him and his hissy views.
But for me, I need more deeper understanding by getting out and about again and engaging in chat from people in town. It's been lonely being lost, and as I've realised, spending time on this iPad ( not computer!) I've found less deeper understanding than ever. My own understanding. I mean, yes, I can Wiki anything, but what does it tell me how human nature is and how friendly people can be to me if I don't go out myself to see? How I miss human contact. Texting is great but not as great as seeing and returning a smile, or getting a hug from a friend who really loves you? 
I'm pushing past all the barriers of my own creation to get out there and try to find this fun and love I've missed. And although I'm afraid of it, I know if I continue to stay I it's no good for anyone. 
Being indoors 24/7 does not bring happiness or even the safety I thought it would provide. It gives you too mush time to overthink and become more unwell.
I could post a thousand songs on what all this does, but I've added the Kate Bush one, as when I'm out, it's less time online and more time to try to feel as normal as I can be. 
It's about time I try. 
I have a med review this week, my cpn is unable to come buy my friend is going to come with me and giv input. Personally I believe the lack of any antidepressants are to blame for me being lower, and maybe my lithium needs adjusting as my mood swings can be uncontrollable. 
I'd like to think happy thoughts again, and I will. Just some med tweaking needed I hope. I'm also (if I remember) going to ask for no sexual abuse therapy that's due, well, overdue. I need to feel better and try to not bring up the past in detail to anyone. I need to feel better and I don't think that's the way to go about it, anymore.

So enjoy the song, 
All my love to you, Lizzie xxx

Saturday, 9 April 2016

My 38th Birthday!!! I lived to see it!!!!!

My birthday has been brilliant!! I know it's not over yet but I am bursting to say how blessed I am to have such wonderful friends. I received presents (and I didn't expect or even think about wanting any) beautiful cards and two bunches of flowers!

Here are the flowers with my cat in the middle wanting to be included!


I was overwhelmed when people showed up, including friends I had not seen in so long, who I have always loved dearly though may not have revealed that, and my friends in Halstead (that could make it) all who showed me such love.
Everyone really loved the cake:

Which was presented to me at Doughs Bakery, where we all celebrated and the shop staff even gave me a birthday card! Thank you, guys, you really made my birthday something more special.

Now I smell Madonna (delicious!!) and will lookin prettier, have Christian Music, have socks to last me a lifetime  (I'm glad of that - I am a socks lover!!!and proud of it!!) got a little teddy bear (I'm 
young at heart!) choccies, nut the most important thing I learned was its great to be alive and have 
real friends. I've taken people for granted, including my mum, by wallowing in my depression 
episodes and being skeptical of  everyone after my horrid experience with Joe Delaney, the guy who  abused me at hospital.
I live not in spite of him anymore. But for the love of life.

I am a fighter, stronger than I realise and I guess I can say for certain now that I am LOVED. It's never something I truly believed before.

I am lucky to be alive and here are some photos below of my some of my friends.

But the lesson here is, we need friends and we can't give up on life because our minds tell us to do so, we may have friends we don't know that love us dearly and would be hurt if we tried to end it all, either over a halfwit " professional" or our own demons. 

We must remain strong, my friends, or think of a time in the future when we will realise how much we are loved.
My friend who came today said we could go to galleries together and that has always been a dream of mine, as I love all kinds of art. I'm going to go out again,  continue to trust God and do good, as
Joyce Meyer would say. 

Yes, I may have blips, hopefully no more breakdowns, and I continue to care for my mother better, as i am now her carer for life, and in a way, I'm honoured to be that person. 

Full of  ups and downs yet I am stronger for it, and more humbled having friends online and in person who care for me. 
I will try to do my best to urge people from my blog or my Halstead Hermit Facebook page to seek help, not to accept negligence from the mental health system, to try to hang on then progress to really live.  
Live  please, it's the one option we can make to be overcomes and live better lives.

Because I love each and every one of you and that's the truth. Don't become a statistic, be the best you can be. Lizzie xxxxx The 38 year old lol xxx


My Mum: